An English Bar?

by | Feb 28, 2022 | Other Fun Stuff | 4 comments

  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
  • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 

Random (Hilarious) Thoughts 2

by | Jan 21, 2022 | Other Fun Stuff | 4 comments

RANDOM THOUGHTS TO START A NEW YEAR …

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied, “you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?” I am now blocked.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.

I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently, you can’t do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we’re all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won’t matter.

In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk … I got sour and chunky.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years ….

I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.

Random (Hilarious) Thoughts

by | Jan 9, 2022 | Other Fun Stuff | 3 comments

I stole this and laughed til I cried.. #18 is my favorite

  1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
  2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
  3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
  4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
  5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
  7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
  8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
  9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
  10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
  11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
  12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  13. I run like the winded.
  14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
  15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
  16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
  17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
  18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
  19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
  20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Rainy Saturday

by | Nov 12, 2021 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff | 0 comments

SATURDAY MORNING I GOT UP EARLY, DRESSED QUIETLY, MADE MY LUNCH, GRABBED MY CLUBS, SLIPPED QUIETLY INTO THE GARAGE AND PROCEEDED TO BACK OUT INTO A TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR.

THE WIND WAS BLOWING 50 MPH. I PULLED BACK INTO THE GARAGE, TURNED ON THE RADIO, AND DISCOVERED THAT THE WEATHER WOULD BE BAD THROUGHOUT THE DAY. I WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE, QUIETLY UNDRESSED, AND SLIPPED BACK INTO BED. THERE I CUDDLED UP TO MY WIFE’S BACK, NOW WITH A DIFFERENT ANTICIPATION, AND WHISPERED, ‘THE WEATHER OUT THERE IS TERRIBLE.

MY LOVING WIFE OF 34 YEARS REPLIED, ‘CAN YOU BELIEVE MY STUPID HUSBAND IS OUT GOLFING IN THAT CRAP?

I STILL DON’T KNOW TO THIS DAY IF SHE WAS JOKING, BUT I HAVE STOPPED GOLFING.