Jokes of the Week/Month

by Larry Campbell | Dec 18, 2015 | Jokes | 1 comment

Posted July 11, 2016: #1:  Moses and the Israelites were being pursued by the Egyptians, when they came to the Red Sea.  Stymied, Moses calls a quick meeting with his Cabinet.  He asked his Chief Engineer what they could do, and the Engineer was stumped – no solutions seemed workable.  So Moses said, “Tell ya what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna walk right down there and smote the Red Sea with my staff, and the waters will part and we can escape!”  The Engineer looked very dubious, and said so.  At that point, the Chief Publicist chimed in:  “I don’t think you can do it either, but if you can pull it off, I’ll guarantee you 5 pages in the Old Testament!”

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#2:  An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.  The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep trouble now!”  Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”  Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” 
          Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.  The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!” 
          Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….  “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Posted June 6, 2016: My brother Mark had a small cleaning business in his small town. Late one night he had finished cleaning a client’s business, a doctor’s office. He had turned off all the lights and was passing through the waiting room on the way out. In the nearly dark waiting room he saw a magazine he found interesting. He turned on the table lamp, sat down and started reading the article. Moments later he heard a key in the front door, the door opened and there stood the doctor with a puzzled look on his face. My brother looked up and said, “They told me to wait, and went back to his article. The doctor broke out laughing, headed for his office for whatever he came for. He retrieved it and was still chuckling as he left.

Posted May 2, 2016:  A teenage boy  had just passed his driving test and inquired of his  father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father  said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades  up  from a C to a  B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair  cut. Then we’ll  talk about the car.”  The boy  thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer  and they agreed on it.   After about  six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades  up and I’ve  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but  I’m disappointed  you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said,  “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John  the Baptist had  long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that  Jesus had long hair.”

The Dad’s reply:  “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they  went?”

Posted April 25, 2016: A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn’t feeling well and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles away (so that no one would know him.)   Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to God, “Are you going to let him get away with that?” God said, “No, I won’t.” The minister teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one.   The angel looked at God and said, “Why did you do that?” God smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

 Posted April 18, 2016: An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.   “I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely younglady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.” “Well, what can I tell you?  She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.  Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.  “There  you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.  See you later, Grandpa.”     Never mess with the elderly!

Posted April 11, 2016:  A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends.  Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband: “That’s the third time you’ve gone for dessert,” she scolded. “The hostess must think you’re an absolute pig.”  “I don’t think so,” he said.  “I’ve been telling her it’s for you.”

Posted April 4, 2016:  A famous author was autographing copies of his book.  He was especially pleased when one man brought with him copies of his previous two novels as well.  “My wife really likes your writing,” the man explained, “so I’ve decided to give her these autographed copies for her birthday.”  “Oh, a surprise, eh?”, beamed the author.  “I’ll say,” agreed the customer.  “She’s expecting a new car.”

Posted Mar 28, 2016:  Two old-timers were chatting in a restaurant.  One says “Hey, Max, isn’t this your fiftieth anniversary coming up?”  Max replied that it was.  “Well,” asked his friend, “what are you planning on doing?” Max answered:  “Well, I remember taking my wife to Arizona for our 25th anniversary.”  “Wow,” said the friend, “you’ll have to do something special for the 50th – what’ll it be?”  “I guess,” Max pondered, “I’ll go back to pick her up.”

Posted Mar 21, 2016:  A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, “Hey buddy, what’s the matter? You can’t believe that a horse can tend bar?” “No”, the guy says, “I can’t believe that the ferret sold the place.”

Posted Mar 14 , 2016:  A man moved into a nursing home.  He soon noticed that a woman was constantly staring at him.  After a few days, he approached her and asked, “Ma’am, why have you been staring at me all the time?”  “You look just like my third husband,” she replied.  “Well, how many times have you been married?” he asked.  She answered, “Twice!”

Posted Mar 7, 2016:  An old miser on his deathbed called in his doctor, lawyer, and minister.  “Gentlemen,” he said, “I have a strange request.  I’m going to try to take it with me after all.  Under my mattress are three envelopes, each containing $30,000.  I want you each to take one now, and then throw it into my grave just before they shovel in the dirt.”

At the funeral, each threw his envelope into the grave.  As they left, the minister said “I’ve got something to confess.  I needed $10,000 very badly for our church building program, so I kept $10,000 and threw in only $20,000.”

Then the doctor confessed:  “I needed money for a new wing for the hospital.  I’m sad to say that I kept $20,000 and threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer replied:  “Why, I’m shocked and ashamed of you both.  How could you do that?  Why, I never hesitated . . I threw in a personal check for the entire amount!”

Posted Feb 8, 2016:  The attendant on desk duty in the maternity ward answered the phone. An excited voice said “This is Tom Rogers and I’m bringing in my wife right now . . . she’s about to have a baby!!”  “Try to keep calm,” the attendant replied.  “Is this her first baby?”  “No,” the agitated voice replied, “this is her husband!”

Posted Feb 1, 2016:  During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the man is actually alive. He lives for 10 more years and then dies again. There is another funeral for him.  At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, when the wife cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Posted Jan 25, 2016:  George – a fanatically avid golfer – was off to golf one morning with a client.  As they approached the first tee, a funeral procession went past on the road outside the course, and George stopped, took off his cap, placed it over his heart and stood silently for a moment.  The client said, “How nice of you to show such respect for the deceased.”  “Yes,” George said, ” . . . after all, we would have been married 48 years next month.”

Posted Jan 18, 2016:    It seems that Satan suddenly appeared before a small town congregation on Sunday AM. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit  door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly woman who sat calmly near the front. Satan walked up to her and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”  The woman replied, “Yep, sure do.”  Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?   “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the woman.  Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”   The woman replied, “Been married to your brother for over 48 years.”

Posted Jan 11, 2016:  Q:  What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and a agnostic?  A:  A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Posted Jan 4, 2016:  Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.” When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?” When she says Yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.” Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!” Guy says, “Funny… that’s what I had in here yesterday…”

Posted Dec 21, 2015: A certain Holy Man from the East was getting older and weaker.  He’d been barefoot for 20 years, so he had hardened feet with some blisters.  To top this off, he often suffered from bad breath.

Needless to say, all this made him a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis !