by Larry Campbell | Nov 12, 2021 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff |
SATURDAY MORNING I GOT UP EARLY, DRESSED QUIETLY, MADE MY LUNCH, GRABBED MY CLUBS, SLIPPED QUIETLY INTO THE GARAGE AND PROCEEDED TO BACK OUT INTO A TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR.
THE WIND WAS BLOWING 50 MPH. I PULLED BACK INTO THE GARAGE, TURNED ON THE RADIO, AND DISCOVERED THAT THE WEATHER WOULD BE BAD THROUGHOUT THE DAY. I WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE, QUIETLY UNDRESSED, AND SLIPPED BACK INTO BED. THERE I CUDDLED UP TO MY WIFE’S BACK, NOW WITH A DIFFERENT ANTICIPATION, AND WHISPERED, ‘THE WEATHER OUT THERE IS TERRIBLE.
MY LOVING WIFE OF 34 YEARS REPLIED, ‘CAN YOU BELIEVE MY STUPID HUSBAND IS OUT GOLFING IN THAT CRAP?
I STILL DON’T KNOW TO THIS DAY IF SHE WAS JOKING, BUT I HAVE STOPPED GOLFING.
by Larry Campbell | Oct 16, 2020 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff |
Excerpt from Mathematics and Humor: Freud Would Be Proud by Jerry Johnson; Hold That Thought Publishing, 2020
World’s Funniest Joke
In the early 2000’s, British psychologist Richard Wiseman and his colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire conducted a long research study called “LaughLab.” Their study tried to measure the humor in jokes using a five-point ‘glggleometer,” in addition to MRI scans that identified the brain’s laugh center as being a region near the back of the frontal lobes.
Bases on Wiseman’s research, one joke stood about above all the rest:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
[Newscientist.com (October 3, 2002)]
by Larry Campbell | Jun 29, 2019 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff, Puns |
NOTE: Many, but not all, of the earliest items are taken from either Dad Jokes by Kit and Andrew Chilvers or The World’s Greatest Collection of Dad Jokes from Shiloh Run Press. Later ones from a variety of sources.
Added 8/24/20:
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
- He often broke into song, because he couldn’t find the key.
Added 3/23/20:
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- I’m terrified of elevators – I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce.
- My friend has been living a secret life as a priest! It’s been his altar ego.
- Why can’t the T-Rex clap? Because it’s dead.
Added 1/27/20:
- Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re a little shellfish.
- The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
- I guess you heard of the restaurant on the moon: Great food, no atmosphere.
- He got fired from his job at the calendar factory – he took a couple days off.
- I’d like to thank all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
- Your nose isn’t 12 inches long because then it would be a foot.
Added 11/18/19:
- I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Added 9/23/19:
- Apparently Jefferson Davis was popular in High School. He was voted most likely to secede.
- I hate it when people put me on the spot. Don’t you?
- A pest control man came to the door – I told him to bug off.
- And the FBI agent who sprayed his room with RAID? He thought it might be bugged.
- I just traded my bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.
- I’ve always wanted to be a mirror salesman. It’s just something I could see myself doing.
Added 8/12/19:
- What did the janitor say when he unexpectedly popped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
- I’m reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen – I can feel it.
- I originally wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- A line of rabbits moving backwards? A receding hare line.
- My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary. I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
- I think we’re in for a bad spell of wether.
Added 7/15/19:
- (From subscriber Dan Felshin) Why are owls smarter than chickens? Did you ever see a Kentucky Fried Owl?
- My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her off her feet.
- I’ve been told I’m condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)
- I told a friend I was off to California this summer. He told me to be more pacific, so I went to Hawaii instead.
- And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth – and won a toaster.
- My daughter said “I see your glass is empty, would you like another?” I asked her why I’d want two empty glasses.
Started 7/1/19:
- When I call the Psychic Hotline, it seems all the psychics are either angry or depressed. I’m just looking for a happy medium.
- Police were called to a daycare when a 3-year old was resisting a rest.
- My wife noticed that our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work and asked why I didn’t do that. “Because I hardly know her” I said.
- I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
- Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear.
- My daughter asked me what ‘inexplicable’ means. I said ‘it’s hard to explain.’
- Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
- My dog swallowed my phone, so I had to ring his neck.
by Larry Campbell | May 12, 2018 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff |
Shampoo Warning!
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
by Larry Campbell | Jun 16, 2017 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff, Uncategorized |
Sherlock Homes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down and went to sleep. Several hours later Holmes wakes up and nudges Dr. Watson awake.
“Watson,” he says.” Look up and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you, my friend?”
Watson pondered that question and after a moment he replied, “Astronomy tells me there are millions of galaxies and that means billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that it’s approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and thus we are insignificant. Meteorologically, I think we’ll have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why? What does it mean to you?”
Holmes rolled his eyes. “Think simpler, Dr. Watson. I believe someone has stolen our tent.”
by Larry Campbell | May 28, 2017 | Jokes, Other Fun Stuff |
A police officer called in to the station on his radio.
“I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
